Rachel Searle
Mrs. Boresen
Expos. Writing, p-4
1-13-09
During the 2008-2009 Winter break I had many great experiences, but my favorite was the day of December 29. The day started out fairly normal; I had to get up at 7:30 am for swim practice and I was not very happy about it like always. When I arrived at practice, however, one of my teammates, Shelby, had an interesting question. She asked if I wanted to go on a date with her, her boyfriend, Nick, and his friend from his old hometown, Johnny (who Shelby and I have never met). I agreed to go, what could it hurt? Later that day Nick picked me up with Johnny, then we picked up Shelby and went to Chili's for lunch. We all were having fun and had great food. Then, about half way through the meal, I spilled a ton of lemonade right in my lap! It was very embarrassing, but extremely hilarious. After lunch we went to Best Buy in Centerra and looked at electronics. Following this Nick drove me home and I was kind of sad it was over because I was having a lot of fun and Johnny was pretty cute, but I had to get ready for my evening.
That night my friends Sara, Cassie, Jacob, Jason, Jared, and Aaron came to my house. We started out just playing a small game of Aggravation (my family calls it Wahoo, though, and I like that name better). Then we started telling some humorous stories about people we knew. Before we knew it, we were then playing Apples to Apples. It is a very funny game but it was ten times better with this group. On several occasions we all were laughing so hard we were crying and couldn't breathe; we were even able to make fun of one of the person's boyfriend who they were mad at at the time. After the games were done we watched one of my favorite movies, Baby Mama. Most of us had seen the movie several times but we still laughed really hard. At the end of the movie everyone was getting ready to leave when we realized Jacob was asleep! After everyone left I decided it was a great day and one of my favorite Winter Break experiences.
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Your essay was missing orgaization. I want you to start focusing on using more advanced tranistions and work on sentence variety. I also feel like you need to edit this paper, just like we talked about in class.
ReplyDeleteAudience and Purpose: 2.9
Format:4
total 40/50 80%
Wahoo and Apples to Apples huh? Your break sounded really fun other than the lemonade incident. It was really entertaining. I'm very happy to hear that Johny is cute : D. I like that you used transitions to go from idea to idea. One thing that could have added to the paper would have been some differnt word choice on adjectives. Very well done paper!
ReplyDeleteRachel I really enjoyed reading your story. I love when you laugh so hard that you cry and exspecially when you can share your happy and funny tears with family and friends. I know how you fill when you spill a drink all over your lap,but oh well I just would laugh about it.HEHE I liked how everything flowed from one part of your story to the next. Aslo because of your story I want to go to Chiles no just kidding I want to spend time with my family and friends!!!
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